mint chocolate chip ice cream...

...is what I am eating right now at 12:45am. I don't think Oprah and her, "don't eat after 5" speech sunk in. If you don't know, I have no self control when it comes to food. It amazes me to this day that I dropped all 75lbs of baby weight. Sure it took me 16 months, give or take, to lose it, but I did. But it sure wont stay off if I keep this up.

Of course yesterday was Memorial Day, and who can live through that day and not have a BBQ or at least go to one? ME that's who. I take every opportunity to have BBQ food, and I always stuff myself like its Thanksgiving. Of course I will jump on the scale the next day, sigh because I inevitably gained weight, and then feed off the leftovers. Kinda like yesterday and today. I finally get back down to 125 and I am ruining it in 2 days. FML.

*takes bite*

But here I sit, happily chomping down on my ice cream. Hey, you only live once right?

I think I am going through a mid-life crisis....I am going on 28 years old. 28! 30 is rapidly approaching and I feel like I wasted my 20's away. Of course I haven't, but my mind likes to go off the deep end from time to time and its making me sad. After all, you are only as old as you feel right??

So the other day my hard drive crashed and I lost all of 2009's pics and everything I put on my computer since 7 Jan 09. Needless to say I FREAKED out when Michael told me, I actually pushed him and somehow put a huge gash on his arm. The event is pretty blurry to me as I was so shocked and taken back. I am STUPID for not backing up my files, and just like that, thousands of memories were left up to my mind to remember, never to be seen by another soul and over time forgotten. I have a horrible memory so that speeds up the process. Luckily my husband is a freaking computer genius and a few days later he was able to restore 90% of the files. Its not ALL, but enough for me to be happy. I am thankful that we got what we did, which is better than having it all gone. A lot of praying went in to it as well.

I took a break from the Internet while I was sulking and mad at myself for being so stupid and constantly putting off backing up the files because I was "too busy". I really beat myself up over this. Every though was of a group of pictures never to be seen again and it was tearing my mind apart. To distract me, I started reading the Twilight Saga...

Now I am just like every pubescent girl in the world and I am completely obsessed with the books. I read Twilight in a matter of hours, practically one sitting. New moon the next,Eclipse took me 2 sittings and now I am on Breaking Dawn. I took a break from it since it is the last book of the saga currently published and I don't want to rush it. I have a habit of doing that. I watched all seasons of One tree hill back to back, the office and Gilmore girls much the same. Now the books. I need to learn to portion things out.

So before that day, hubby asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I quickly said nothing. 2 days later I told him I wanted Twilight on Blue ray....I am obsessed.

I eat, day dream and sleep Twilight. For the last week I had vampire dreams...I look on YouTube for videos, listen to the soundtrack....look up the cast online and in magazines...I need a life is what this boils down to. I am at home with a 16 month old all day. How absurd is it that I would love to be a vampire right now...I mean...do you know how that sounds?? I am losing my sane mind...its got a first class ticket out of here and I am happily waving it good bye. FML.

Sass's new nickname is Chippy-she chipped her effing tooth the other day. GREAT. Luckily its not too noticeable....it should even out a bit after a while. Its a small chip, but I am so angry about it, my poor baby girl's mouth. She was upset too long about it, she cried harder when I put the cold rag on her broken lip. Once I stopped the bleeding and took away the rag she was all laughs and smiles like it never happened. The rag to her was worse apparently. She is a tough kid.

She loves baths...as soon as she takes her last bite of dinner, and after she tells me, "all done" she tells me she wants a bath. She randomly asks me to give her baths throughout the day as well....I have a water baby on my hands.

I am looking forward to going home to Michigan this fall and staying for as long as my heart contents. It will just be me mom and Sass in the apartment. My brother will be shipped off to the Army then and my sister will most likely be married. She already lives with him now, so....its will just be us. I am looking forward to seeing my old friends (some its been 10 yrs!) and having Sass get to know this side of her family. It may be one of the last times she sees my great grandparents which is depressing to even say. I love them so much.

In the winter I am starting school at the Art Institute in Arlington, VA for Photography. I think that will help with the, "who am I really?" blues I have been having lately. I feel like I have lost myself in the last 3-4 yrs. I need to get me back, pronto!

I went out last Saturday and it felt good. It was fun to be with the girls and hang loose. Turn drunk people down, and some in hilarious ways. Like the leprechaun joke. I will never forget the look on that poor boy's face. I had a great time dressing up and feeling girly and pretty.

Today I even dressed up to go to the grocery store. There was a time that I wouldn't even go outside to check the mail without looking glamorous....slowly that went away to where I went out often with no makeup on, my hair a disaster and in clothes that should be in the garbage. For me, I am changing that. Not saying I have to wear makeup per se, as I think I am pretty without it, but I just want to feel good before I go do stuff. I think it will help boost my esteem and my daily attitude. I am hoping to bring sexy back..;)

Well its late and even the sounds of 311 that can always keep me going is wearing off. Sass has been waking up earlier since it gets daylight sooner, looks like its time to block her windows again with dark blankets. But since she is up the same time no matter what time I go down...I need some rest. So....until next time.

~M

hmmm....

I actually feel bad about writing my last post, I feel it was childish and selfish....like...WHO CARES you didnt become an actress...most people dont, even the ones who pack up an leave to LA and become waitresses and going to countless auditions just to hear, "sorry, you are too fat' or "Not what we are looking for, better luck next time."

Not to mention that its not THAT important...I guess all I was saying was...I just wonder what it would have been like if I did get to do that type of stuff...and its my fault, I am not trying to play this whoa is me card...it was my choice and my doing.....I am just in a funky mood tonight....so ignore me..:)

I guess this is what happens when I talk to a 14 month all day and have a day filled with Playhouse Disney and Yo Gabba Gabba.....I need more adult interaction....

Life, Random thoughts and more..oh my!

As some of you may know, we had a family emergency come up that required our presence in Oklahoma. Well we are truly blessed because the situation turned around 180 within a few days. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayer, I do believe that some divine intervention took place with this family!

So the trip with Sass was interesting at least and I am happy to announce that we only have to fly over the ocean ONE more time, and that will be in September when we move to Virginia! The days are going by so fast, I feel like the older I get, the quicker my days are, and at the end I feel like nothing was accomplished and I need more time...I have so many things that I want to do but get brushed aside for things like housework and dishes and cooking.....Even though I spend almost every waken second with my daughter, I feel like it's still not enough....and I have been craving me time lately....and I have been thinking about life choices I have made.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my daughter, and if it weren't for the choices and events in my life, I would not have them where we are today, but I can't help but think about things that could have been done differently.

I wanted to be so many things when I was younger....I wanted to be a lawyer, a model and most of all, an actress......There was a time that I was told almost daily that I should be one. But I have always been on the more realistic/practical side, or shall I say the safe side and I never took that risk. I always let something get in the way and was content in my little life circle making my own videos and "movies" with my friends. I knew I had to do something that paid the bills....my "dream" would not.

So I joined the Army...where I served for 8 years Honorably. I served as a paralegal in the JAG Corps, somewhat doing my first dream, and that was to be a lawyer. I had plans to go to law school, but after working with lawyers for years, I realized that life just wasn't for me.

I am now a stay at home mom of my beautiful 14 and a half month old daughter, wife to the man who took my breath away when we first met and continues to amaze me and turning my once hobby of photography into a possible career.

But something inside of me still wishes I went out and pursued my acting, or at least tried my hand out in it....see where it would go, if anywhere because I feel so alive when I am doing it. I can actually say some of my happiest memories is when I was putting on a show with my friends, or making crappy "Goat" movies with Erika. It seemed so natural to me and it made me happy.

I always let fear get in my way...or the unknown rather and that bothers me so. I often do not know how to go about things....how to find the ways in and so I just don't, and let time pass me by. Currently my excuse is, I am too old now...I have a child...the model thing is OUT the window because of what pregnancy did to my body. I personally find nothing wrong with it, but that's my perspective and not the industry's.....so there is no need to even attempt that gravel road.

I will be happy in my photography life....I have always wanted to do that as well....but I cant help to feel saddened that I never went out there and just TRIED. I always have dreams that I am on shows....here lately Ghost Hunters (Ok, I know that's not acting per se...BUT, I am a believer in the paranormal, and I for years have "went ghost hunting" even before I knew of this show....) But hell...I wanted to be a tornado chaser too...but that's something I can let fall to the side..:) Many of you know I love the show One Tree Hill....I get so wrapped up in the show that is made up and it calls to me....because that's what I want to do...but don't even know if I can now....where do I start? I mean....I am a mom now and a wife...we are a military family and that limits me....

I love to make people happy, and I always wanted to be on TV.....not even about the money....that never crossed my mind, but its just always something I wanted to do....sometimes I wish I could start my life over again at like...16.....(which that makes me sad too because again, I love my husband and baby girl, she is the light of my life....)

But this whole post is going on about nonsense....its just, I have no one to really talk to about this and I feel I need to get my feelings out. But rational thinking me will be back tomorrow and I will start thinking straight again....but sometimes I just have to let this out.

I feel like I lead a boring life.....I was never boring.......................I feel the last 4 yrs of my life (not really the last yr, but from Aug 05-Dec 08) has really taken me away from who I used to be, and not for the better. I feel the inner me got sucked out and spread so thin that sometimes it feels she is lost forever, and that makes me sad......I HATE that I came to Hawaii....and I know everything happens for a reason, and it does, but this place has changed me....I want me back and I don't know how....I used to be so funny, witty, full of energy, had friends....I LOVED my life. The moment I got on that flight to Hawaii...my life, me, was changed and I miss me. I do not like who I have become. That is why I am looking forward to Virgina so much...its a new place, new beginnings, I want me to come back. I am hopeful that it will happen.

Well this kind of took a depressing turn, so I am sure no one will read it and you know I don't blame you. I just needed to get a few things off my chest....but oddly enough, I don't feel better...if anything...I feel sadder. Guilty almost.

Well I have many many many pictures to sort through and watermark for my 365 blog I am so behind on. So...until next time...hopefully I will be in a better mood!