Friday, April 3, 2009


I actually feel bad about writing my last post, I feel it was childish and CARES you didnt become an actress...most people dont, even the ones who pack up an leave to LA and become waitresses and going to countless auditions just to hear, "sorry, you are too fat' or "Not what we are looking for, better luck next time."

Not to mention that its not THAT important...I guess all I was saying was...I just wonder what it would have been like if I did get to do that type of stuff...and its my fault, I am not trying to play this whoa is me was my choice and my doing.....I am just in a funky mood ignore me..:)

I guess this is what happens when I talk to a 14 month all day and have a day filled with Playhouse Disney and Yo Gabba Gabba.....I need more adult interaction....

Life, Random thoughts and more..oh my!

As some of you may know, we had a family emergency come up that required our presence in Oklahoma. Well we are truly blessed because the situation turned around 180 within a few days. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayer, I do believe that some divine intervention took place with this family!

So the trip with Sass was interesting at least and I am happy to announce that we only have to fly over the ocean ONE more time, and that will be in September when we move to Virginia! The days are going by so fast, I feel like the older I get, the quicker my days are, and at the end I feel like nothing was accomplished and I need more time...I have so many things that I want to do but get brushed aside for things like housework and dishes and cooking.....Even though I spend almost every waken second with my daughter, I feel like it's still not enough....and I have been craving me time lately....and I have been thinking about life choices I have made.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my daughter, and if it weren't for the choices and events in my life, I would not have them where we are today, but I can't help but think about things that could have been done differently.

I wanted to be so many things when I was younger....I wanted to be a lawyer, a model and most of all, an actress......There was a time that I was told almost daily that I should be one. But I have always been on the more realistic/practical side, or shall I say the safe side and I never took that risk. I always let something get in the way and was content in my little life circle making my own videos and "movies" with my friends. I knew I had to do something that paid the "dream" would not.

So I joined the Army...where I served for 8 years Honorably. I served as a paralegal in the JAG Corps, somewhat doing my first dream, and that was to be a lawyer. I had plans to go to law school, but after working with lawyers for years, I realized that life just wasn't for me.

I am now a stay at home mom of my beautiful 14 and a half month old daughter, wife to the man who took my breath away when we first met and continues to amaze me and turning my once hobby of photography into a possible career.

But something inside of me still wishes I went out and pursued my acting, or at least tried my hand out in it....see where it would go, if anywhere because I feel so alive when I am doing it. I can actually say some of my happiest memories is when I was putting on a show with my friends, or making crappy "Goat" movies with Erika. It seemed so natural to me and it made me happy.

I always let fear get in my way...or the unknown rather and that bothers me so. I often do not know how to go about to find the ways in and so I just don't, and let time pass me by. Currently my excuse is, I am too old now...I have a child...the model thing is OUT the window because of what pregnancy did to my body. I personally find nothing wrong with it, but that's my perspective and not the industry' there is no need to even attempt that gravel road.

I will be happy in my photography life....I have always wanted to do that as well....but I cant help to feel saddened that I never went out there and just TRIED. I always have dreams that I am on lately Ghost Hunters (Ok, I know that's not acting per se...BUT, I am a believer in the paranormal, and I for years have "went ghost hunting" even before I knew of this show....) But hell...I wanted to be a tornado chaser too...but that's something I can let fall to the side..:) Many of you know I love the show One Tree Hill....I get so wrapped up in the show that is made up and it calls to me....because that's what I want to do...but don't even know if I can now....where do I start? I mean....I am a mom now and a wife...we are a military family and that limits me....

I love to make people happy, and I always wanted to be on TV.....not even about the money....that never crossed my mind, but its just always something I wanted to do....sometimes I wish I could start my life over again at like...16.....(which that makes me sad too because again, I love my husband and baby girl, she is the light of my life....)

But this whole post is going on about nonsense....its just, I have no one to really talk to about this and I feel I need to get my feelings out. But rational thinking me will be back tomorrow and I will start thinking straight again....but sometimes I just have to let this out.

I feel like I lead a boring life.....I was never boring.......................I feel the last 4 yrs of my life (not really the last yr, but from Aug 05-Dec 08) has really taken me away from who I used to be, and not for the better. I feel the inner me got sucked out and spread so thin that sometimes it feels she is lost forever, and that makes me sad......I HATE that I came to Hawaii....and I know everything happens for a reason, and it does, but this place has changed me....I want me back and I don't know how....I used to be so funny, witty, full of energy, had friends....I LOVED my life. The moment I got on that flight to life, me, was changed and I miss me. I do not like who I have become. That is why I am looking forward to Virgina so much...its a new place, new beginnings, I want me to come back. I am hopeful that it will happen.

Well this kind of took a depressing turn, so I am sure no one will read it and you know I don't blame you. I just needed to get a few things off my chest....but oddly enough, I don't feel better...if anything...I feel sadder. Guilty almost.

Well I have many many many pictures to sort through and watermark for my 365 blog I am so behind on. So...until next time...hopefully I will be in a better mood!