Wednesday, May 27, 2009

mint chocolate chip ice cream... what I am eating right now at 12:45am. I don't think Oprah and her, "don't eat after 5" speech sunk in. If you don't know, I have no self control when it comes to food. It amazes me to this day that I dropped all 75lbs of baby weight. Sure it took me 16 months, give or take, to lose it, but I did. But it sure wont stay off if I keep this up.

Of course yesterday was Memorial Day, and who can live through that day and not have a BBQ or at least go to one? ME that's who. I take every opportunity to have BBQ food, and I always stuff myself like its Thanksgiving. Of course I will jump on the scale the next day, sigh because I inevitably gained weight, and then feed off the leftovers. Kinda like yesterday and today. I finally get back down to 125 and I am ruining it in 2 days. FML.

*takes bite*

But here I sit, happily chomping down on my ice cream. Hey, you only live once right?

I think I am going through a mid-life crisis....I am going on 28 years old. 28! 30 is rapidly approaching and I feel like I wasted my 20's away. Of course I haven't, but my mind likes to go off the deep end from time to time and its making me sad. After all, you are only as old as you feel right??

So the other day my hard drive crashed and I lost all of 2009's pics and everything I put on my computer since 7 Jan 09. Needless to say I FREAKED out when Michael told me, I actually pushed him and somehow put a huge gash on his arm. The event is pretty blurry to me as I was so shocked and taken back. I am STUPID for not backing up my files, and just like that, thousands of memories were left up to my mind to remember, never to be seen by another soul and over time forgotten. I have a horrible memory so that speeds up the process. Luckily my husband is a freaking computer genius and a few days later he was able to restore 90% of the files. Its not ALL, but enough for me to be happy. I am thankful that we got what we did, which is better than having it all gone. A lot of praying went in to it as well.

I took a break from the Internet while I was sulking and mad at myself for being so stupid and constantly putting off backing up the files because I was "too busy". I really beat myself up over this. Every though was of a group of pictures never to be seen again and it was tearing my mind apart. To distract me, I started reading the Twilight Saga...

Now I am just like every pubescent girl in the world and I am completely obsessed with the books. I read Twilight in a matter of hours, practically one sitting. New moon the next,Eclipse took me 2 sittings and now I am on Breaking Dawn. I took a break from it since it is the last book of the saga currently published and I don't want to rush it. I have a habit of doing that. I watched all seasons of One tree hill back to back, the office and Gilmore girls much the same. Now the books. I need to learn to portion things out.

So before that day, hubby asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I quickly said nothing. 2 days later I told him I wanted Twilight on Blue ray....I am obsessed.

I eat, day dream and sleep Twilight. For the last week I had vampire dreams...I look on YouTube for videos, listen to the soundtrack....look up the cast online and in magazines...I need a life is what this boils down to. I am at home with a 16 month old all day. How absurd is it that I would love to be a vampire right now...I you know how that sounds?? I am losing my sane mind...its got a first class ticket out of here and I am happily waving it good bye. FML.

Sass's new nickname is Chippy-she chipped her effing tooth the other day. GREAT. Luckily its not too should even out a bit after a while. Its a small chip, but I am so angry about it, my poor baby girl's mouth. She was upset too long about it, she cried harder when I put the cold rag on her broken lip. Once I stopped the bleeding and took away the rag she was all laughs and smiles like it never happened. The rag to her was worse apparently. She is a tough kid.

She loves soon as she takes her last bite of dinner, and after she tells me, "all done" she tells me she wants a bath. She randomly asks me to give her baths throughout the day as well....I have a water baby on my hands.

I am looking forward to going home to Michigan this fall and staying for as long as my heart contents. It will just be me mom and Sass in the apartment. My brother will be shipped off to the Army then and my sister will most likely be married. She already lives with him now, so....its will just be us. I am looking forward to seeing my old friends (some its been 10 yrs!) and having Sass get to know this side of her family. It may be one of the last times she sees my great grandparents which is depressing to even say. I love them so much.

In the winter I am starting school at the Art Institute in Arlington, VA for Photography. I think that will help with the, "who am I really?" blues I have been having lately. I feel like I have lost myself in the last 3-4 yrs. I need to get me back, pronto!

I went out last Saturday and it felt good. It was fun to be with the girls and hang loose. Turn drunk people down, and some in hilarious ways. Like the leprechaun joke. I will never forget the look on that poor boy's face. I had a great time dressing up and feeling girly and pretty.

Today I even dressed up to go to the grocery store. There was a time that I wouldn't even go outside to check the mail without looking glamorous....slowly that went away to where I went out often with no makeup on, my hair a disaster and in clothes that should be in the garbage. For me, I am changing that. Not saying I have to wear makeup per se, as I think I am pretty without it, but I just want to feel good before I go do stuff. I think it will help boost my esteem and my daily attitude. I am hoping to bring sexy back..;)

Well its late and even the sounds of 311 that can always keep me going is wearing off. Sass has been waking up earlier since it gets daylight sooner, looks like its time to block her windows again with dark blankets. But since she is up the same time no matter what time I go down...I need some rest. So....until next time.


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